Tips for Single Parents Who Are Starting to Date Again

(Guest post by Mary Edwards)

Image via datesingleparents.com

 

Reaching that point in your life where you’re ready to begin dating again after losing your wife or husband, whether it’s from divorce or death, is a precarious point, especially when you throw kids into the mix.
In a way it’s like reverting back to going on your first date all over again; there will be those fluttering feelings of nervousness, failed attempts at dating, and struggling to find your groove before things start clicking into place. 
If you’re ready to dive back into the world of dating then keep these things in mind.

      

     You have to put yourself out there

The idea of dating may seem like a good one in theory, but it can be hard to get back on the market and put yourself out there when you’ve become accustomed to your daily routine of work, kids, and everyday life. If you’re serious about dating then let friends know you’re thinking about starting again so that they can help locate eligible dates, join a dating site, and get out and involved in different activities that can help you connect with like-minded individuals. It’s going to be rough at first. It will get easier.

      

      Be up front about having kids
The last thing you want when you meet a guy or girl you think might be worth hanging onto is to keep this crucial fact from them until the “right” time. The right time is in the beginning when the relationship is still forming because otherwise you’re building a relationship on a slippery foundation of lies. You can’t hide one of the biggest parts of your life from people who may become a big part of your life in their own respect, and they need to be able to determine if they’re up for dating someone who has kids or not.

      

      Exercise care in who you introduce to your kids
Your kids are going to be judgmental. Expect it. You’re trying to fill something that’s missing in both your life and their life and it’s going to take a special person to walk into that role. That being said, don’t introduce them to every single person you go on a date with because that will get confusing for them. Only introduce them to people you’re getting serious about.

      Include the kids occasionally
Think dating was hard when you were 16 and seeking your parents approval? Well dating with kids is a whole new ballpark of trying to attain the seal of support. While you may be swept up in a whirlwind of romance it’s important to put the romance aside on some dates and to have a family day instead. This way your partner can begin to form his or her own bonds with your kids and you can see how they interact together. You can learn a lot watching how these bonds form or not. 

   

      Know which lines to cross

Just because you’re a parent, it doesn’t mean that you can’t go out to the bar to dance and drink or you can’t have a fling. You’re human. You’re single. It’s ok. But do so with the knowledge that you do have other people counting on you now so being home at a reasonable hour and keeping those flings out of your own bed is still important. It’s ok to indulge in some of those raging hormones. It’s not ok to pretend like you’re in college.

      

      Don’t forget your kids
You’re probably thinking there’s no way in… well, ever that you would forget about your kids. But sometimes people lose themselves in their new boyfriend or girlfriend and let all their other responsibilities fall to the wayside in favor of furthering that relationship. Don’t make that mistake.

Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of loneliness, crossword puzzles, and books on tape. You’re a single parent, and dating is something you should be able to enjoy if you want to! Just exercise care and caution while you’re doing it and keep your kids your number one priority. 

Author Bio

Mary Edwards is one of the contributors and editors for dating sites. She is passionate about thought leadership writing, regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and parenting and online dating community. She can be reached at edwardsmary936@ gmail.com.

So What’s Your Number?

What’s your number? = How many people did you sleep with?

At least it is so according to the 2011 romantic comedy What’s Your Number starring Anna Faris and Chris Evans. It tells the story of Ally (Anna Faris) who panics about her number being 20, and decides to stay at that number by trying her chances with all of her exes, to see if they blossomed into husband material.

Chris Evans and Anna Faris

Yeah, the idea has many problems: that she doesn’t consider that the relationships were over for a reason and that her number is strictly her business. Not her sister’s, not her dates’ and not her friends’. Of course it takes a while for her to notice this.

As she tracks her exes one by one with Colin (played by Chris Evans)-her sexy but slutty next-door neighbor Colin, he tries to make her see these valid points.

Of course we can’t blame Ally for not taking him seriously. As funny as he is, their whole agreement is based on Ally hiding him from the girls he had one night stands with. And since Colin does comment on bedding Ally once in every couple of scenes, Ally (unsurprisingly) never considers that the best relationship she will ever have might be with the one guy who hasn’t had a relationship in his life.

What’s Your Number CONS : Bad Relationship Ideas

Yes, you can attack the movie from several points:

• Why doesn’t this 30 something woman know what she wants?
• Why doesn’t this 30 something, supposedly smart woman (Anna Faris) stop living her life in the boundaries set by girlie magazines and her friends?
• How was she stupid and desperate enough to have slept (and tried to get back) with all those losers? I have nothing against her number, it is just that if you add the most of those guys together, you still don’t get a one decent, likeable guy?
• How does a 30-year-old gorgeous guy (Chris Evans) not exposed to at least one relationship during his entire life?
• Are we really expected to go with the same old story that a man will only fall for you after you weren’t romantically & sexually interested in him? Let’s face it, Ally turned him down like 5 times before they made out. 
• And why does every woman in every single movie want to get married and make babi

But then again, we can also embrace the movie for several reasons:

What’s Your Number - PROS = Good Things about The Movie (Relationship)

-          

• Before Colin and Abby fall in love, they are friends and the naturalness of their relationship, the no-BS, zero-pretending part makes it a situation to be desired. 
• Colin represents the modern male who doesn’t care what others think or want- that what matters is what you want to do with your own life. And he doesn’t stop sleeping around because somebody thought it was wrong. He stops because he wants to be with Ally. 
•  He also finds it laughable that Ally should care about her number.
• The girl does find love with somebody new, decent and gorgeous. In the end, she doesn't settle. Not one bit.

My Number Is…

Absolutely no one’s business: ) 

And it is an extreme deal-breaker if a guy thinks he can do whatever he wants and the girl should sit at home and keep her number in single digits. It is also a deal breaker if one of the sides try to add numbers to the equation while in a supposedly committed relationship.

I just believe that you owe it to your partner to stay at the number and not sleep with anybody else while you are together. That’s is all I’m concerned with when it comes to numbers.

Oh, unless of course you are the open-relationship type. That’s an entirely different story…

What’s Your Take?

You can talk about the movie, or your take on numbers or both. 

Do you care how many people you slept with? 

Do you care how many people your partner slept with? 

Is it better not to know?

Friends with Benefits: Would You Do It? Could You Do It?

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake in a Friends with Benefits scene. This is around the time Justin's character comes up with the idea. Image via 2.bp.blogspot.com

2011 romcom Friends with Benefits was recently in theaters and the “genius” idea” isn’t going anywhere. Hell, it is the 21st century, girls are getting more cynical and less romantic (or at least pretending to). Mila Kunis’ character Jamie in the movie says that she misses sex, but I’m pretty sure she missed (just like most women would) the making out/foreplay bits as well. 

And even though it would be very easy to pick up a stranger from a bar, we hardly risk it. Never mind the possibility of him/her being a serial killer. Never mind the awkwardness of not knowing whether they don’t have STDs, or they will be health-conscious enough to take all the precautions. Never mind that you barely established a connection with this person....Wait...I just used too many never minds in a row. Obviously, I do mind.

Yes, I love flirting with the handsome stranger. It is even better if he is from another country (Call it the Before Sunrise fantasy, if you like). But while I don’t mind making out with strangers, going the whole way is a whole different issue. It is far too personal. And call me crazy, but I’d love to be with someone who wouldn’t make me feel awkward the next morning. Someone who would pay attention to how things were going before, during and after...

So where is that person? Jamie (again, back to the movie) attempts a relationship with a guy who’s not her best friend (the best friend is a newly acquainted but greatly liked Dylan), but he totally turns out to be a jerk .

So of course in theory, what can be better to get intimate with a friend who you are having a lot of fun with? Who cares about you? Who you find attractive? It wouldn’t hurt. Or would it....?

Now, I don’t really believe in dating friends. I haven’t been sold on the story of realizing that person is the one after 6 years of being next to each other. I’m told it happens, but until I see it, it doesn’t seem likely to me. So I wouldn’t really want a romantic comedy on two friends who have been best friends for ages suddenly going the Friends with Benefits route.

Movie writers must know this, because the two FWB stories they threw our way this year (the other one being No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman) were about friends who just met but really loved hanging out together (FWB) or they knew each other from college, but nothing really ever happened due to circumstances. They were never buddies. They were two people attracted to each other, but went the FWB route due to previous relationship failures.

But of course, knowing Hollywood, you know that this arrangement will turn out to be utter crap. One or both sides will want more at some point. The side who doesn’t want it will only turn out to be not facing his/her own feelings. They will in fact end up happily in love, and the sex will be great because during their FWB stage, they already gave each other all the necessary tips...And for those asking why there never make a movie about what happens after that happily ever kiss, Justin Timberlake’s Dylan answers “They do. It’s called porn”.

OK. Seriously, they do make movies about what happens afterwards. It is just not that romantic. You might want to check out The Break-Up or The Story of Us for that.

Friends with Benefits in Real Life

Do people try this? Yeah. Would complications arise? Definitely. Would it be followed by happy after? I don’t think so. Having a booty call you can trust is all very good, but what about the awkwardness you are risking? The fun and the friendship?

That being said, I’d be lying to say I never thought about it. I did. I just never brought the idea to the guy because I thought the disadvantages would far outweigh the benefits. And the fun would decrease. And honestly, I’d rather just meet somebody new and give dating a shot. As Mila Kunis says

“No strings sex is great in theory but falls short in execution. You can't sustain a friends with benefits relationship for a long time. It's inevitable it will either go one way or the other. I have plenty of males who are my friends... Without the benefits. If you're friends with someone, let's just leave it at that. There needs to be nothing more.” quote via imdb.com              

So what do you think about the whole FWB idea? A genius idea that came from people who wanted the best of both worlds- people who could be emotionally detached enough to screw the risks? Or should people, regardless of their romantic views, give it a shot if the opportunity arises? And one more question: If you are thinking about sleeping with your friend, were you really friends in the first place?

20s and Checking for Rings: Dating Has Become Even More Complicated!

Image via lovesites.com.

There was this cute guy in my friends’ circle. Totally my type. Turned out to be married.

Then I met two other cute guys through work circles. Both married.

Saw a cute guy on the bus. As close as you can get to Keanu Reeves in real life. Then I saw it. The Ring!

....

What the ….? When did everyone get married? And I am only 26. Surely the majority of the guys I meet shouldn’t be married???

Dating used to be easier when we were younger. I am not saying it was easy, just easier. All we needed to know was whether the guy we liked a) had a girlfriend b) if not, were we his type?

In our 20s (especially when we are getting closer to 30), we still need the answer to a. But unfortunately, unlike high school where we almost always knew if he was attached, in adult lives it is harder to detect.

Not every guy advertises his relationship status on Facebook. Not every guy uses Facebook. Not every guy mentions his girlfriend when you first meet him. Not every guy wearies a wedding band.

Oh yes, now we have to check for the ring. If he is not wearing any, it doesn’t mean he is not married. Not all married guys start their sentences with “My wife and I….” So before we can even think that guy is our type, we have to check the finger first. If the ring is there, we move on . (The nice and romantic females do, anyway. Some women do dig married men. Though I’ll never know why…).

If the ring isn’t on, and we have friends in common, it takes a little bit of research. I say research, because you can’t go and blatantly ask anyone if he is attached, as it makes it a bit too obvious that you are interested. No need to make things awkward in your social circle. So you use your resources, Google a bit, dig into the social media world. And of course there are still men out there who haven’t mentioned their wives not because it hasn’t come up, but because they are genuinely trying to hide it. So you are just going to have to be a good judge of character and behavior, and if you do notice iffy things, you will need to kick his ass.

Oh boy…not only we need to do research, and pay attention to detail, we might even have to pull a little Patrick Jane on our dates. Remember the cool guy from The Mentalist TV series who can tell all crucial details about a person’s life and personality within a short time of meeting them.

When did dating become even harder? And why do men keep getting married in their mid-20s? What’s up with the baby fever? What happened to enjoying single life, dating and meeting lots of other singles? Dating becomes very challenging if all attractive guys you meet are already taken. Oh well…. Good luck to all of us who want some genuine romance and fun along the way. May we meet some truly single guys that are fun, honest and nice….

How do you take your relationship: Open or Closed?

* Yes, I know that there isn't technically a term called "closed relationship". But else (short) thing can we call  a good, old, regular relatioship?

 

I once heard in an interview that Gene Simmons (lead singer of rock band KISS) was in an open marriage with his wife. Well, I am sure that was a necessity. No, I am not being sarcastic. With all the groupies and the fans, it is only fair that he was honest about stuff and that she had as chance to be with other people as well. It doesn’t sound very romantic but hey, it certainly beats the situation of finding out you have been lied to for a decade or something.

Where did this suddenly come up? I was watching House’s 18th episode in season 6 and it turned out the female patient was having an open marriage. I was like Whoa! I mean, the concept of an open relationship is tricky enough. But having an open marriage? And for an ordinary, non-celebrity couple? But hey, these things happen in real life too so I thought I would come here and discuss the subject with you.

I am all for romance and monogamy and loyalty. And I can’t stand cheating or being cheated on in any relationship. In fact, I am as harsh about it as it gets. It doesn’t matter whether you have been together for ages or that you have kids. If a partner cheats, he/she has to go. So yes, I believe all cheaters need to get a kick in the ass. The alternative to cheating? Talk to the person you are with! Tell them you have feelings for someone else. It might be harsh and upsetting but it sure beats getting stabbed in the back. 

What if that person doesn’t want you to leave? What if he/she wants you to stay even though you might stray? That’s their choice. If both parties are open and honest about it and monogamy is something they can overlook, hey, it is their choice. But at least the partner got a say in the matter.

So if you asked me who I would respect more- a person in an open relationship or a person who cheats, I’d say open relationship. I don’t have to approve it but I appreciate the honesty. Would I wanna be in one? I don’t think so. But would I rather be with a guy who confronted me about his issues about monogamy than a hypocrite? Yeah, absolutely.

What do you think? Would you like to be in an open relationship?

Why Is Everyone (Getting) Married?

Image via 1.bp.blogspot.com

    I am not against mariage, let's start with that. It is a lovely concept;  if you have found someone you are sure you would like to spend your lifetime with- someone who you are madly in love with and the person feels the same about you. Someone you can joke around with, be yourself with and someone you love because they are who they are; not despite  who they are.

But I find it really hard to believe that so many people found that person in their early/mid 20s. And that the majority of the married couples in late 20s/early 30s are considering making babies. Whoa! Will everyone slow down for a minute? When did all this happen? I am in my mid 20s and definitely not opposed to romance and passion and some casual flirtation thrown in for good measure... But marriage??? Children??? In-laws??? Calling your partner's parents "Mom" and "Dad"??

I am in the process of finding out a  plan to make my dreams come true, to gain true financial independence  and to just go crazy and all that. I am not saying I don't want to find someone. But right now, I don't want to go into that forever business. Even if  this amazing person comes along and happens to be as nuts as I am and have similar dreams and such, we wouldn't get married. Not now!!! I mean come on!!!!

And it is alright if he doesn't appear in these chapters in my life. Oh of course I complain about being single. But what I am really whining about is that I don't have enough fun with the opposite sex. I don't have numbers to call when I want to party all night and dance until dawn. I don't get to meet hot strangers a lot. There lies my concern.

I think that being in a serious relationship is a big deal! Moving in right away is totally unnecessary and very scary. So how come are people so eager to jump into marriage?

It starts about during the last year(s) of university. Friends/friends of friends start to get married. But the number isn't that large. Then you graduate and invitations start piling up. People barely out of college talk weddings and budgets and all that. You take a job and your boss who is not even 10 years older than you, is married and is considering having a baby. Oh and by boss, I mean a guy who co-runs a music site and deals with studios and bars and all that. I meet long- haired, metal-loving guys who look like they came straight out of a 90s Metallica concert and see rings on their fingers.

When did everyone get married? Ok, so maybe- it is not that big of a stretch for 35 year-olds being married but people in their 20s? What's up with that? The wedding dresses, furniture hunting? Surely not all of these people found their soulmate?

I don't mean to be cynical. I am sure there are a lot of actual feelings and "eternal bliss" involved. But I also believe that the overworking biological clocks and the seeming convenience of marriage have increased the numbers.

People should acknowledge the fact that not everyone has to be married and/or have a baby. It sucks if people are doing it because they think it is time or because they get to have regular sex. It sucks if they are doing it because they parents would rather have them tie the knot than have them live together...

I am a romantic of the worst kind. But I also am addicted to excitement and adventure and discovery. I am thinking there will be guys in my life who get me. Until that happens, I will enjoy the ride of singledom. And I sure as hell won't get married because it is just so "in", or rent is cheaper or all my friends are doing it!!!

Arrogance in the Opposite Sex: Turn on or Turn off?

Image via jasonlove.com

When I was 18, I had a huge crush on a friend’s classmate. It wasn’t that he was earth-shatteringly good-looking. He was just exactly my type. In addition to being tall and cute, he also had this charming, down-to-earth attitude about him that I really liked. He wasn’t full of himself.

Nearly a decade later, a lot of things have changed in my life but my taste in men still remains the same.  Now, I don’t have anything against drop-dead-gorgeous guys. In fact, I welcome them. My problem is with guys – gorgeous or not- who are too in love with how they look. You know the type: the one that makes you want to sing Too Sexy from Right Said Fred.

Remember how that song went? Too sexy for my shirt/too sexy for this party/….

In case you don’t know or remember this hilarious song from the 90s, check out the video.

So I don’t know about you, but arrogance is a major turn-off for me. Mind you, I am not saying confidence. Confidence rocks…unless it makes me want to sing from Right Said Fred…

For instance, my favorite romantic comedy movie character ever is Jack (played by Bill Pullman) in While You Were Sleeping. Jack is nice, honest, fun and good-looking in a classic sort of way. I have always found Bill Pullman cute, charming and handsome but my favorite Pullman character is Jack- both with his looks and character. You see, Jack has flaws; but they only make him more likable. And he is not in lust with himself.

So among all the romantic films I’ve seen, that’s why Pullman’s Jack does it for me. He is just adorable.

If I need to give more fictional examples, I prefer Stefan over Damon (The Vampire Diaries), Matt over Tyler (still Vampire Diaries) and Sam over Dean (Supernatural. Remember the first 2 seasons when Sam was sort of shy?)..I guess you got my point.

But what about you? Does arrogance turn you on? Off? Or you don’t really care?

Who are your favorite arrogant/humble fictional characters?