Friendzoning: The Who, What, Why and How to Let Go

There seems to be a strange misconception that girls/women are never friendzoned. And if they are, it’s because they are not attractive.

While we, as women, might do a larger proportion of the friendzoning, we definitely get friendzoned. And let me tell you, it has nothing to do with looks. I’m giving guys more credit than that.

Finding someone good-looking, pretty, handsome, beautiful, interesting, funny, smart has nothing on attraction. You might think someone looks good, hot even, and yet not be attracted to them. Have you been attracted to EVERYONE you found cute, hilarious or interesting?

My friend favors Henry Cavill hugely over Ben Affleck. And yet, with Affleck's Batman body and face, I’d rather make a mandwich. (What? You thought threesome jokes/thoughts were only for men?)

In all seriousness though, there is a reason I gave a celebrity example. Even those incredible-looking people would not have attracted that many women and men, had we not known them to be interesting, talented or diverse. I don’t think I’d have noticed Gary Oldman walking down the street, but he sure is one of my favorite romantic leading men. The Scarlet Letter might not be a great movie, but damn, Oldman makes a great lover in the film.

Gary Oldman in The Scarlet Letter. Yes, I do like pretty long-haired men who also happen to be nice and romantic. Also, I grew up watching them. I love glam rock, in case you were wondering. Image via photobucket.

I’ve never understood the craze surrounding Leonardo Di Caprio, and I’ve only found him attractive in Blood Diamond, looks and personality of character combined.

Leo in Blood Diamond. It's not just the looks, it's the character, the transformation, the acting, the accent and the story combined. Image via pinterest.

Daniel Day Lewis might sport strange looks most of the time, but I think he is one of the sexiest, most attractive men on/off screen when he’s Hawkeye.

Daniel Day-Lewis as Hawkeye in The Last of the Mohicans. Image via zuguide.com

Let’s talk women. I’ve met people who think Nicole Kidman isn’t attractive. Come again?

Nicole Kidman. Image via wikipedia.

Someone whose type is Keira Knightley might very well friendzone Cate Blanchett, and vice versa.

I could never understood why Khaleesi friendzones Jorah (I’m not up-to-date with the series, but at the end of season 3 of Game of Thrones, Iain Glen’s character Jorah was still firmly in the zone.) He was like pretty much the only guy I’d have gone for in that environment. But he would have probably friendzoned me. I don’t have the long blonde hair, the stamina to change that pervert-turned-lap-husband or the love for dragons.

We are attracted to different people. Different looks, personalities and situations. Thank God for that. Can you imagine being attracted to the same people with all your friends? You wouldn't have any real friends!

Let’s talk real life. I’ve friendzoned. I’ve been friend zoned.

This is me. Whether you think I'm attractive or not is entirely subjective.

It hurts the most when you have genuine feelings for the person who has friendzoned you. You are emotionally, physically and intellectually invested. They share your sense of humor, taste in a lot of things and your favorite personality traits. Dating each other would be endless fun. You already can and do talk for hours, share inside jokes and make each other laugh till you cry.

But there is one problem: the other person believes in love/lust/attraction/flirting at first sight. You decided you’ve wanted them after you got to know them. By the time you realized that person was incredibly sexy, they had already pegged you as a dear friend. Maybe they never found you attractive. Maybe they are not attracted enough to spoil the friendship. Maybe, and this is a big one, they wouldn’t have minded the risk in the beginning, but no, any relationship you have won’t be casual. Whatever.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is, a lot of us have been there.

If the person you have a crush on or love isn’t attracted to you, there is not much you can do about it. Sure, you can try and get out, but more often than not, these people have already seen you flirting. Have already seen you at your best and worst. They don’t want, for reasons you can’t fathom, the whole package, and it is fine.

Because let’s be realistic. Best relationships stem from mutual adoration, admiration and attraction. If it's not mutual, it is not, or was not,  meant to be.

And I don’t mean it in a fatalistic way, but from a logical, fun standpoint. If you were really the couple you thought you would be, it would have been mutual in the first place.

Relax. Be frustrated and upset for a while if you like. But move on. Look around.

He is not the only guy for you. She’s not the only woman for you. The world is filled with people.

When it is mutual, you really don’t give a damn about when it wasn’t.

And for fun, let's finish it with the picture of the probably most famous friendzoned fictional character, Jorah. I can't be the only one thinking this guy is hot? Personalitywise, the last time I checked, he was wise and loyal to a fault. Seriously, K, what more do you want? : )

Iain Glen as Jorah in Game of Thrones. Image via youtube.com

Settling, The Last of the Mohicans and Looking for Who You Really Want

Image via: thematthewbryant.com

Epic/period movies are definitely harmful to any girl’s psychology. Sure, regular romantic comedies do their best to create flawed but loveable male characters that also happen to look really cute. But in (epic) period films, the hero is typically handsome, strong, thoughtful and emotional, romantic, heroic and to add insult to the injury, he is a great lover. The other night, my friend and I made the mistake of watching The Last of the Mohicans. Again. You can watch the trailer here.

The Last of the Mohicans is a great adventure/romance/war flick from 1992. Directed by Michael Mann, starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Madeleine Stowe and rated 7.8 on IMDB, it is by no means a film for just girls. But it leaves the biggest (and worst) impact on girls. You can read the plot and review here, but my first paragraph pretty much explains why Daniel’s Day character is sets an impossible example.

The truth is, we don’t expect a guy to look as gorgeous as Daniel Day does in the film. But that character of his will turn us on anytime. 

Daniel Day-Lewis as Hawkeye.

So the next day, we found ourselves talking about relationships and why we are single. I complained that we are just both unlucky when it comes to attracting the guys we want to attract. But she said, usually everyone is. A majority of people fail to attract the people they truly want, so they settle for whatever they can get. That’s a depressing theory, but she might have a point.

I had mentioned in a previous post that there were 5 parameters that kept us single and those had nothing to do with high expectations.  But I always want mutual attraction. I don’t believe in game-playing. I believe in being open and nice to each other. Technically, I don’t want much. But I am not going to date a guy because I am afraid of being alone or because he likes me. If I don’t like him, I am not going to spend his time or mine.

But when many people settle or date for the sake of dating and not for their actual feelings, the same people expect you to settle as well. If you are single, they try to convince you that there’s something wrong with you. But the truth is, most of the time you are single because you are not afraid to ask for what you want. You do want to feel intensely attracted to someone. You want to feel extreme excitement. 

Yeah, I realize the modern guy won’t be a gorgeous adopted Mohican fighter. But hey, he doesn’t have to fight in actual battles. But he should be able to fight for you. He should be willing to make an effort to be with you and you should do the same. He has to be decent. He should respect the fact that he is not your only option but you choose to be with him- over anyone else.

So no, I am not settling. Because what bothers me is not being single. It is not being with someone I really want to be with. I have nothing against being single. If my option is to settle for less than what I want and/or deserve, I am not going to take it.

We are talking about personal and emotional compatibility, coming with mutual feelings. And I will keep searching for that. Even if I don’t find it, I’ll be proud of myself that I tried. How about you?